Contempt — The Poison That Shrinks Others and Inflates Ourselves
What Is Contempt?
Contempt is more than just dislike. Psychologists define it as “the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving of scorn.” It’s a mix of anger and disgust, often shown through sarcasm, eye-rolling, dismissive tones, or subtle put-downs. Unlike anger, which can pass quickly, contempt lingers. It positions us as “above” others, while they are made to feel “less than.”
How Shame Turns Into Contempt
At its root, contempt often begins with shame. Shame whispers: “I am not enough.” That inner pain is difficult to bear. To protect ourselves, we sometimes flip it outward: instead of sitting in our own smallness, we make someone else small. This is contempt in action—a defense mechanism to shield us from the sting of shame.
It’s a false lift. For a moment, you feel “bigger,” superior even. But the reality is, contempt doesn’t heal shame—it disguises it. The more we rely on contempt, the more brittle and disconnected we become.
Contempt’s Corrosive Power
Contempt is not neutral. It corrodes relationships, whether at work, at home, or in friendships. Research on relationships (notably by Dr. John Gottman) identifies contempt as one of the most destructive behaviors—predictive of breakdown and divorce. Why? Because contempt communicates not just disagreement, but disdain. It says: “You are beneath me.”
When contempt becomes habitual, it erodes empathy. It builds walls where bridges could be. And it keeps both people stuck in cycles of hurt and anger.
The Link With Anger
Sound familiar? Shame → Contempt → Anger.
When contempt takes root, anger is never far behind. Contempt fuels a righteous sense of superiority, which can quickly flare into open hostility. Instead of resolving conflict, contempt escalates it. Instead of connection, it deepens divides.
Breaking the Cycle
The antidote to contempt is humility and curiosity. It requires courage to step back and ask: “What part of me is hurting right now? Where is my shame?” By owning our own wounds, we no longer need to make others small to feel safe.
Replacing contempt with compassion—both for ourselves and for others—doesn’t mean we ignore hurt or wrongdoing. It means we respond from grounded strength instead of inflated superiority.
Closing Thought
Contempt is a mask shame wears to look powerful. But behind the mask is pain longing to be seen and healed. If we can notice when we’re tempted to make others smaller, and instead choose curiosity, kindness, or accountability, we not only dismantle contempt—we dismantle anger too. And in that space, real connection and growth can finally happen.
Living in the Unknown:
Why a Good Life Isn’t a Perfect One
There are moments in life that stretch out longer than we expect.
Moments where nothing is certain.
Where the outcome hasn’t revealed itself yet.
Where you don’t know if what you’re doing will lead somewhere incredible… or nowhere at all.
It’s that prolonged sense of the unknown.
And most people don’t like it.
We want clarity.
We want guarantees.
We want to know that if we take the step, it will work out.
But life doesn’t offer that kind of contract.
The Truth We Don’t Always Want to Hear
Things might turn out great.
They might turn out not so great.
They might fall somewhere in between…mundane, uneventful, forgettable.
If you are really paying attention you can see that they can’t always turn out terrible.
And they can’t always turn out perfect.
Life doesn’t work in extremes.
It’s not a straight line from struggle to success.
It’s a tapestry. A mosaic.
Some parts are bold and beautiful.
Some are dull.
Some don’t seem to fit at the time.
But step back, and they all contribute to the picture.
The Myth of the “Perfect Path”
Somewhere along the way, we were sold the idea that a good life is one where:
You make the right decisions
Things go according to plan
You avoid mistakes
You end up exactly where you intended
But that’s not a life! That’s a controlled environment, and it’s not where growth happens.
What a Life Well Lived Actually Looks Like
A life well lived is not predictable, it’s not neat, it’s not perfectly planned.
It’s a life where:
You take risks without certainty
Some things don’t go how you planned
You make decisions with incomplete information
You learn….sometimes the hard way
It’s a life where you participate, not just protect yourself.
The Stories That Matter
Think about the stories people tell.
They’re rarely about the time everything went smoothly.
They’re about the time something went wrong… and what came next.
The detour.
The mistake.
The unexpected turn.
The roaring laughter after the epic blunder….
The moment where someone can say:
“When I was younger, I made a massive blunder…”
And then continue the story.
That’s what makes it meaningful.
That’s what makes it real.
Why the Unknown Matters
The unknown isn’t just something to tolerate.
It’s something that creates the life you’ll later look back on.
Without it, there are no risks.
Without risks, there are no lessons.
Without lessons, there are no stories.
And without stories…
What are you passing on?
Sitting With It (Instead of Fighting It)
You don’t need to eliminate uncertainty.
You just need to stop treating it like something has gone wrong.
Because often, nothing has, you’re just in the middle of the story.
Final Thought
A life where everything works out exactly as planned might feel safe…
But it’s not rich.
It’s not layered.
And it’s not the kind of life people remember, or want to hear about.
A meaningful life is built in the unknown.
In the risks.
In the missteps.
In the moments where you didn’t know how it would turn out…
…and chose to move forward anyway.
Why Anxiety Makes It So Hard to Ask for Help — And How Online Therapy Can Start with Just One Step
You typed something into Google.
Maybe:
“online therapy for anxiety Australia”
“help with decision-making when anxious”
“why do I keep putting off getting help?”
And then… you found me.
Maybe you clicked through to my site. Maybe you hovered over the “Book Now” button.
Or maybe you stared at the screen, overwhelmed and shut it all down.
If that was you — I get it. You're not lazy. You're anxious. And you're stuck in a loop.
Why Anxiety and Low Self-Esteem Delay Getting Help
Let’s clear something up:
You don’t have anxiety — you do anxiety. It’s an active pattern. A habit. A loop.
And when you're in it, making even basic decisions becomes mentally exhausting.
Your brain tells you:
“What if therapy doesn’t work?”
“What if I’m not bad enough to need help?”
“What if I look weak, or waste money, or open up and it hurts more?”
If you’re also dealing with low self-esteem or depression, that voice gets louder.
You second-guess everything. You delay. You tell yourself you’ll look again next week.
🧠 Anxiety thrives in the space between thinking about help and actually asking for it.
Online Therapy Makes Getting Help Easier — But Taking That First Step Is Still Hard
I offer online therapy for anxiety and low self-worth.
No driving. No awkward waiting rooms. Just you, a cuppa, your screen — and someone who gets it.
But even booking a free consultation can feel overwhelming when your mind is in fight-or-flight.
So if you’ve found me and thought,
“I need help but I can’t seem to click ‘book’...”
That’s okay. That hesitation is part of the anxiety pattern too.
What Will It Take to Take the First Step?
Sometimes it’s a breakdown.
Sometimes it’s just a quiet moment when you realise, “I can’t keep feeling like this.”
Whatever it is, I want to meet you at the very beginning — not with pressure, but with a pause.
I offer a free 15-minute consultation.
It’s not therapy. It’s not a commitment.
It’s just a chance to breathe and ask, “Could this be the right fit for me?”
You Don’t Have to Be Fully Ready — You Just Have to Show Up
You don’t need to explain your whole story.
You don’t need a GP referral.
You don’t need to be at rock bottom.
You just need one clear moment, where you decide:
“I want to try something different.”
Book Your Free 15-Minute Call Today
📅 Click here to book now
🧑💻 Sessions are online, Australia-wide.
💬 For anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, overthinking — and for people who are just done feeling stuck.
Southwest Sydney Counselling
Online Therapy That Helps You Get Unstuck, Fast.
Strategic Psychotherapy | Hypnosis | Real Change, Not Endless Talk
What Is Intergenerational Trauma? The Emotional Inheritance We Don’t Talk About
It all begins with an idea.
Have you ever reacted in a way that felt bigger than the moment? Or repeated a pattern in relationships or parenting that you thought you'd outgrown?
Often, these responses stem from something deeper: intergenerational trauma, the transmission of emotional pain, coping strategies, and unspoken beliefs passed down through families.
It doesn’t only arise from big events like war or displacement. It can come from years of emotional neglect, silence, or survival-based thinking. And it shows up in subtle ways:
- Fear of conflict or speaking up
- People-pleasing to stay safe
- Carrying others’ emotions as your own
- Deep shame for setting boundaries
- Feeling responsible for family unity, no matter the cost
These patterns aren’t necessarily "ours"; they’re inherited. Passed down, not out of malice, but survival.
We also inherit silent messages:
“Don’t rock the boat.”
“Be grateful, don’t complain.”
“Keep the family together at all costs.”
But healing begins when we become aware of these patterns, not to blame, but to choose differently.
Sometimes, the most compassionate thing we can do is gently disrupt unhealthy dynamics. That may not always be welcomed, but it can still be done respectfully and with integrity.
Even if others don’t extend grace, we can.
Strategic Psychotherapy is one way I support clients through this work. It doesn’t focus on reliving trauma; it helps people identify the beliefs and roles they’ve inherited and gives them tools to shift those patterns.
You don’t have to carry what was never yours to begin with.
You can honour your history without repeating it.
And you can remain kind, even while choosing differently.
If this resonates, or if you're supporting clients through similar journeys, feel free to connect or reach out.
We Become What We Focus On
Something I’ve been reflecting on this week is the idea that we become what we focus on.
In a world filled with uncertainty, unrest, and unpredictability, it’s easy, almost effortless, to be pulled into a cycle of fear and hypervigilance. The constant stream of breaking news, economic shifts, political tension, and human suffering can make us feel like we’re never safe, never settled, never certain. And if you’re prone to anxiety, this kind of thinking doesn’t just stick, it can lead to spirals.
I see it in my therapy work, and I’ve noticed it in myself too.
We start to feel what we feed.
If we spend our time focusing on everything that is out of our control, global events, other people’s choices, imagined future disasters.
We reinforce the belief that life is unsafe and that we’re powerless.
The truth is, many of the things that demand our mental attention have nothing to do with our lived experience, and yet they hijack our nervous system as if they did. We get stuck in mental rehearsal for events that may never happen, investing our energy into fear rather than presence.
But here’s the most beautiful part... we get to choose where our focus goes.
And where your focus goes... your feelings, your body, and your life follow.
This doesn’t mean ignoring hardship or pretending everything’s fine. It means intentionally placing your attention on what supports your wellbeing, what you can influence, and what brings light to your life.
This week, I choose to focus on the blessings in my life.
The small ones, the quiet ones, the ones I might miss if I let fear take the wheel.
Because what we focus on, we strengthen.
And I’d rather strengthen peace, connection, and clarity than fear.
